my son just got back his exam results today. i was pretty estatic that he got all above 90%, and of course a few very very careless mistakes in his English and Maths papers (which had clearly jeorpadize his chances of getting full marks). i am a bit dissapointed that the few things that i had tirelessly taught him in Maths, he somehow had forgotten about it and did the same silly mistakes he had done before. of course he got a scolding for that. his Mandarin was ok although i seriously am worried about next year when he goes for his primary one chinese school. i do not speak or write or read Mandarin. it is gonna be a tough time for all of us.

well that is not the issue here. i have been brought up to do the very best that i can in my exams, although very minimal supervision from my parents, i get my push from my peers who had done better than me. i wanted to get that murid contoh back in primary school but i did not, so instead i fought for my dean's lists and tokoh kepimpinan in college. i did not managed to go into the best class in high school, but i was top 3 in college. i did not get any rotan or scolding when i did badly in school, but i managed to get grade 1 for spm and have an accounting degree. so would now be any different for my boy?

apparently some parents have gone way overboard on their children (that is what i feel la). if their child do not get top 10, one rotan. if one careless mistake, one knock on the head. every exams must get top 3, if not that is the end of their social life. these parents have boys, so far i have not heard what do they do with girls. so should i do the same? push my boy till his limit and stop when he is showing signs of breaking down?

gosh, my failure of not maintaining that competitiveness in my son is further enhanced because i am after all a stay at home mom (SAHM). so just because i am a SAHM, my children are supposed to be well-trained and obedient and disciplined and score 100% in their exams. they must always have a happy face when greeting elder people, act orderly when strangers are around, entertain uncles and aunties, learn a foreign language every year, play all sports, play the piano, pick up a new soft skill every month.. urrgghh the list goes on.

my child is not spoilt. he does not grumble when it is time for him to grumble (so to speak). he picked up the keyboard all by himself. he learned Tamil in 2 weeks. he is a happy camper. he scored in his exams. he is a good athlete. he mixes so well with other children. SO what else am i lacking here?

should i enrol him in a proper piano class? enrol him in a science camp? teach him multiplication and division so that he will be better than his elder cousins? teach him Hakka, Cantonese, Hindi etc? register him up for essay writing in Mandarin, BM and English? football academy perhaps? make sure he bows and shake hands with all his relatives before he can play with his friends? keep a rotan in my purse just in case?

the more i complain, the more i feel that i should have done more, i guess. should have had a more scheduled time table for him to study. less play time especially the last 2 months before his exam. i was also blinded by the fact that some of his friends do not take their studies seriously, as they did not do well in their weekly spelling tests. i made it a point for angelus to get full marks for his English, BM and Mandarin spelling tests. but when i see that there are some mothers who do not bother at all, i somehow felt like i should take it slow as well.

sigh... a lot to be done before the school term starts on 4th January 2009. a lot of changes for angelus, myself and hubby. i have got to get it in top form before the baby comes as well. i just hope and pray for a clear head and a less stressful year ahead.

so what happens when there is a death in the family.
a father who was brutally taken by a speeding mini bus?
an aging father who suffered a heart attack and went into coma the whole week, and then died in front of your eyes?
losing your own flesh and blood, by choice or by force?

so what do we do next?

the children of the "murdered" man slowly goes out from their shell and fly away to a totally different environment, with their emotional mother (who had not completely accepted this twisted cruel of fate) tagging along to make sure that her children are taken care of. afraid of losing this part of her as well. what sometimes we as parents do not know is that there will be a time when our children steps out of that comfort zone and venture out into their own world, without wanting their parents to squabble or hinder them. a natural learning process in any young adult. there will be a time when they completely want to be free of their caregiver and just make their own mistakes and just live their own life. so again what will happen to this widow when that time comes? preparation is crucial and reality bites. our lives move in split seconds and by the time we know it, it is already the end of the year and our child does not need us the way they used to. our job is done. continue with our lives yet again when we did not have our children with us. will it ever be the same to live the life that we had with our spouses, or worst, alone (especially in this case)?

people lose their loved ones usually by force or they leave in a natural way. but what about losing our own flesh and blood by choice? what does it feel like to have to make a choice when that time comes? to abort, to pull the plug, to not resuscitate? it all sounds pretty morbid, but sadly it is happening. maybe not in yours, but i write with experience, and i have seen or heard, loved ones just had to let go by choice.

but amidst this dark hours and unseemingly cruel life of ours, one has to believe that there is always a second chance in life. if not second, let it be third, tenth or the twentieth. just as long as we are still breathing and healthy, everyone and anyone deserve a second chance. i remembered hubby was saying that he had a drowning experience back when he was just a kid. luckily for him his elder cousin was there to pull him up from the current and although hubby was still breathing, he was choking sea water and he was trying to vomit out the fluids from his lungs. the cousin might not be a medical assistant or a doctor, but he was there to perform the basic first aid to help poor hubby. i think this experience plus a couple of other narrow death experience, he has somehow managed to be there when a friend was stung by a deadly coral, an uncle who was suffering from a terrible back pain, a stranger who flagged down his car because his car was spoilt and he was rushing to the hospital (plus it was raining) and rescued abused girls under the AWAM organisation.

as for me, i learned my basic survival skills from my own experience as well. though not as adventurous as my husband's, i do have to admit that i might need some help in a medical assistant school, for instance. the only triage that i did was when i fell from my bike, landed my knee on the road gravel, of which i was bleeding profusely and at that time there was no tissue etc, so i covered it with clean leaves and cycled the 3kms home. then there was the time when Angelus had an asthma attack. i was up the whole night trying to help him breathe by clearing out his lung. what i did was i made him vomit the phleghm out. it worked though. but i think if i had some knowledge as a medical assistant maybe, i might have done a whole of things differently. like not place him in that condition in the first place. but of course i learned from my mistake. whenever he has flu, the first thing i do is to make him blow the mucus out and forbade him to swallow it. that is the reason why his lungs get congested most of the time.

so the bottom line is triage, basic first aid, second chance and a little bit of compassion will help in the long run, maybe to save someone's life or even yourselves. No hurt learning basic CPR or the basic human anatomy, right?

so what have i been doing during the two festive days. well as some of my fellow bloggers had suggested, i did went shopping (but did not go beyond Puchong) and i bought things that were only for me. not anyone else. i tried to find maternity dresses but i just could not gauge on how big my tummy will be in 4 months time, thus unabling to fit in that particular dress anymore, so i had no choice but to scrap it off. i can always buy my christmas dress in december itself, as well as a dress to my sister's church wedding in May and a probably nice long gown for her wedding reception next year (i just hope that i would not pop by then, else i would have to be in confinement period already).

so what i did was i had to buy new undergarments (cannot believe i mention this here!), new shoes as well as a nice top with a necklace to match. hubby is coming back tomorrow, so i wanted to look extra nice for him. man, absence really makes the heart fonder, ain't it? i did not manage to do anything to my hair, cos i do not know what to do with my hair anyway, so i left it be. uuh uuh, i did buy 3 dvds for me to watch, and so far i finished 2, 1 more to go. i seriously recommend The Other Boleyn Girl everyone. very deceiving indeed.

so all in all i spend quite a lot, but i am not a shopaholic by nature. thus this is once in a blue moon kind of thingy. most of the things i really really need, and my hubby can justify that as well. he has never seen me go gaga over sales or promotion or discounts. he did touch a little bit on my spending habits when it comes to buying gadgets like handphones or cameras. gosh i am a sucker for that. although he prefers me buying clothes instead. i guess in time i will start modifying my wardrobe. i do want to feel attractive and pretty for him.

well that part was when i lost or spend my money. the next paragraph was how i came to my senses and told myself that i should be getting my own money from now on to splurge on my materialism (if any). i checked my paypal, and not bad. i can earn more if i had been more active in finding opportunities (but of course i had to be careful in not over indulging myself in paid reviews, because that would spell the end of the authenticity and the reason why this blog is here in the first place). so i came across SnapBomb, the latest buzz in the blogging world offering more paid opportunities for people like me, a stay at home mum. what i have learned as an SAHM for the past year is that i can find the money (without sacrificing time with my children) online, but i have to be disciplined and willing to be creative and innovative about it. it does not have to be writing for paid reviews, there are a million things that you can do on your own, and at your own pace. gosh, if you put your mind to it and think out of the box (PLUS you must do the things that you love doing), i am sure it will come to you.

my hubby said that we use only 5% of our brain. that is so true. i cannot help wondering what magnificent things we can do if we utilise it fully, our at least half of it. wonderful things can come out of it, don't you agree?