Life is indeed funny come to think of it. It brings you up, then it brings you down. You feel loved, then feel anger, remorse, betrayal, helpless, used.. after that it all comes back to being peachy and cuddly and warm again.

Maybe the fact that there are things we can and cannot control. What happens to us as a result of other people's behaviours and feelings are things that we cannot control. What we can control is how we act and feel towards it. Gosh easy to say than do. I have had my share of catastrophes and disasters.

But now I am at an age where I can teach this experience and values to the younger ones. My eldest is becoming more mature and immature in some ways. I need to coach him in life and to not feel that all things are beyond our control. Some can still be managed if we put our minds into it.

A friend gave this to hubby just last month. The 90/10 principle. It has resurfaced again because the last time I read it was a few years back. Just to share in this post..

10% of life is made up of what happens to you.
90% of life is decided by how you react..

Scenario A.
Coffee spilled on your shirt/blouse
- You shouted at your kid for spilling it - they cry - miss the bus to school etc
- You shouted at your wife/husband for putting it too close to the edge of the table - grudge that will last the whole day
- And for spending so much time on shouting - you got delayed in changing - had to send your kid to school - late to work - boss is not amused - there goes your bonus
Come back home - stressed from a bad day at work - spouse is still upset - kid is still hurt thus do not want to talk to you - and you end up having dinner in front of the tv ALONE

Scenario B
Coffee spilled on you
- Calm down and tell kid to be careful next time - kid gets it and got ready to school (they bound to do it again, but of course unintentionally
- Changed on time - managed to hug your kid before they go up the bus - kiss your spouse good bye - arrive work on time - and a productive day it was
- Come back from work - good chatty session with kid - hugs, kisses and everything lovey dovey from spouse - and a good night sleep to end the day

So a good lesson for the day. To react negatively sometimes comes naturally for a person. Thus to break the habit would be an uphill, but the trick is to step back for a while, reflect on the moment then react.

it is towards the end of the year and there are lot of things to be thanked for. a lot of ups and downs, a lot of happiness and sometimes sad moments. but when the family is complete, a husband, a father, a mother, a wife and their 3 beautiful children, it is of utmost difficulty to be in a sad mood for long. of course when things go a bit sour with the in-laws or even with the hubs, things do get bad at times.

but this post is not to complain. just to reminisce on the things that had happened in this year. not much posts were up because I realized that i am not comfortable anymore in sharing my deepest thoughts on line. Facebook-ing is enough for me to just give a hint on how i am feeling for the day. but other than day, my journal shall keep me company.

this year was all about survival. especially when i was carrying baby vera. sweet baby girl....




 Those were the scary moments of my life. Also those were the moments when i knew who were the people that i can depend on without expecting anything back. as in they give unconditionally.

how i wish that happens in my family now. the problem is something is expected back when they do something for someone else. they just don't drop by without expecting something back. it is sad actually to know this.

how i wish i can sing off my blues. like the glee club do. writing about it sometimes do not catch the true emotion. it is difficult to pin point the correct word or make up the correct sentences for how i feel.

i hope that i will be able to get over this and try to overcome it before it becomes worse. to be able to talk to him without being judgemental is so difficult nowadays. maybe it is both ways anyway. we do not have that level of respect to show to each other to be able to just listen and understand how the other is feeling.

well anyway just to recap on the things that have happened this past week...

Angelus prize giving day

all excited for his first church camp at Peace Haven

with my grown up boy!

after his football friendly match

lil vera in dadda's sailing cap

and finally the 2 lovebirds.. still deeply in love with each other....

I am a simple person who likes less drama, excitement and gossip. I do not like things to be so intense until it creates panic and havoc. Unfortunately I live around drama and chaos. Gosh. I try to eliminate it or if something does happen, I do not panic or scurry for shelter or cry uncontrollably. Yes sometimes I am a bore but I am what I am and sometimes people think of it as shy, timid, anti-social etc etc. The truth is I am comfortable with myself. In the most deafening silence I am at peace. I love to have a peaceful mind. Sometimes the mind twirls and swirls until the whole body shivers and becomes nauseated.

I need the people around me to function and do what they are supposed to do. If you are not family and I have instructed this and this to be done, please do it. Do not do things behind my back and tell me after you had done it. I have 3 small children, a passionate husband and a growing business. I employed you to make my life a little bit easier, NOT make yours harder.

No matter how great people says this person is, I am seriously considering finding a replacement. Seriously...

That's what I call her nowadays. Vera, baby girl. Vera girl. Aaaveeeiiiraaaa girl.. It is just so nice and wonderful to have a baby girl in the midst of our family of boys. She seems so delicate and sweet and vulnerable, and that a tiniest bit of wailing from her makes us all jump and attend to her very needs. Aduii.. We are definitely gonna spoil her.

Being confined to bed rest in a hospital has made me think a lot of things which sometimes I forgot to stop and think about. I was like literally busy and on the go all the time, and never thought of just freezing the time, read a book, stare at the sky or just having a mind-blank for a whole hour. Wow.. Talking about spending time productively. But maybe I have been over-exerting myself all this while. I do not know how to stop. Rush, rush, rush, go, go, go.. I guess being here in the hospital is a gentle reminder that I am no super woman and should enjoy life instead of trying to catch up or being ahead of things. Gosh. Too much of thinking does not do much good either.

I have been a mother for as long as I can remember. Having Angelus was a new experience for me and looking at how much he has accomplished now makes me even more assured that the course and decisions that were done in his 8 years of life with me were somehow the right ones. If things were slightly altered or changed we would never be in this bliss and that would be a shame altogether. Angelus has gone through more than some of the kids I know. He has been a source of inspiration to me all this while. His compassion and quick to emphatise is really touching as he would be the man of the house whenever Jerry is not around. Such example would be when I fell in the drain and sprained my ankle (2 months back when I was heavily pregnant), he was the first to attend to me and quickly grabbed the phone to call an ambulance. Well that is my first born, my partner in crime, one who I sometimes call my greatest ally as we have been together longer than I have been with Jerry.

A year back I gave birth to my second son, after 7 years.  Between Jerry and I, this is our first child together and it was a planned one. Well we wanted to spend time together as husband and wife first, subsequently building that father-son relationship with Angelus. After 1 and a half years of marriage, Rovilson was born. We wanted to wait a bit longer but we realised that we were not getting any younger and we did not want our children to still be too young when both of us are old and crinkled. Having Rov was a breath of fresh air for us. Jerry got to handle an infant from the beginning and myself being out of the show for so long - we were both excited yet careful with the things that we were doing. I felt like a first time parent. But things went on gear when I was discharged from the clinic. My maternal instinct kicked in and by the 2nd day I was in full swing. I wanted to bathe him, feed him, change him, play with him, indulge in him and just bask in his presence. Rov was a joy to be with. Last Sunday (2/5) he turned 1. Yesterday (7/5) he has started walking on his own. Today his new word is 'banana' which happens to be his favourite fruit. Seems only yesterday I went for for an operation of which at the end of it, he was brought into my arms. That's my boy...

I was blessed with another gift last Christmas. I found out that I was already 4 months preggie. It was a really unexpected and unplanned surprise but we received the news with open arms. Since then this baby girl of mine have cooked up a different character from her brothers. She knows when will my checkup be (scanning, fetal heart monitor etc) and in the pretext of being difficult she would move and kick and punch just so that the scanner would not pick up her heart beat etc. There were several times when my gynae could not see her face because she kept on moving and covering her face with her hands. This is going to be an active lass when she grows up, I bet. Thankfully she has 2 older brothers who will keep an eye on her. Baby Vera will be born soon but not too soon as she is only 35 weeks. So just have to wait another week or so, then she will be ready to face the world. It is going to be overwhelming but I know I can handle it with Jerry and Angelus there. They were always a big help and I am truly blessed.

Yes she is. I am gladly referring to my helper here at home with us. She cooks, she cleans, she takes care of Rovil and Angelus just fine, and of course ultimately she is always looking out for me, especially if she sees me doing something that happens to be very easy but in her eyes poses a danger to me. I do hope that she will stay on with us for as long as she can because to try to find another person like her would be a drag.

Needless to say my home is super clean and super tidy. However whenever I can I will help around by cleaning my room and asking Angelus to do his part as well. She has freed my hands a bit as now I can do a whole lot of other things that is pending. Especially before my June delivery. Hubby is exceptionally pleased as well. He is impressed by the way she picks up new things fast. Like we taught her to play pool and badminton the other day. Haha. That was a real shocker. With a bit of practice she can be quite good in it.

We thank God for those little little blessings that we get every day. And this is definitely one of it!!

after having witnessed how efficient one of our friend's maid was in cleaning up after us, i have finally decided that we do need a live-in maid. actually i did wanted one a long time back but i was heavily relying on my gut feeling on employing one. if i was not comfortable with one lady, i would instead take her on a weekly basis to clean our house. once friends introduced Myanmar refugees to us. but i was taken aback when they were too demanding and did not want to stay in our house but instead be fetched and sent back to their quarters in OUG every day. how to tahan like that?

so finally this lady that i have agreed on is actually the mother of a friend of ours in Indonesia. since i know this guy and trusted him i had no hesitation when he told me that his mother is willing to come all the way to Malaysia to work. what worries me though is the age. she is 55 years old. but sometimes if one lives in poverty and 'kais pagi makan pagi kais petang makan petang,' they tend to look and act younger than their age. besides that she used to baby sit, so that was a plus point for me.

at my side i have agreed to sponsor her passport fees, air fare and visa if any. i hope to get her a working permit once she is here, provided that we are okay with her and vice versa.

actually i am not sure how to have a maid. i have seen a lot of my relatives and friends treat their maids. some are treated like a family member, some like slave. sigh. i do hope that i would not face too much of a problem with her. i also hope that she is independent cos i am already so bogged down with 2 children, work, myself and my husband. i cannot be baby-sitting another one as well.

well wish me luck!